Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
