Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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