No I am not eating basil off your cock
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
