I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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