Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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