There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
