i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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