I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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