So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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