In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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