i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
