If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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