k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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