apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
