Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
