sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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