I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
