Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
