yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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