I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
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