We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
