his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
