how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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