Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
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