Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
i drank out of a bidet.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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