i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
