Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
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I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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