He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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