I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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