You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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