I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
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