He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
