Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
