Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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