She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
