we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
