Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
