she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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