He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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