it's too hot outside to masturbate.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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