a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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