You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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