the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
how drunk are you?
Several
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
