So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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