my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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