I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
