dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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