We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
