you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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