Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Randomize
