Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
