I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
