We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
