Your face is a jimmy john
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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