my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
