Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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