A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
When are your genitals available?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
