By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
