Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
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